


Hobnailed Boots

by SCFrankles



Category: Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
Genre: Community: watsons_woes, Gen, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 04:32:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5571331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SCFrankles/pseuds/SCFrankles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's pantomime time!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hobnailed Boots

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Day 29 of [WAdvent](http://watsons-woes.livejournal.com/tag/comm%20event%3A%20wadvent) at Watson's Woes on LJ.
> 
> Holmes and Watson are the creations of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
> 
> * * *

_As it’s pantomime season, Holmes, Watson and all their friends have graciously agreed to get together to put on a very special performance for us._

_And looking towards the stage, I see that the curtain has already begun to rise. So please sit back, dear gentlefolk and enjoy what is certain to be a… unique... interpretation of that well-known and well-loved classic, Puss in Boots!_

 

 

THE KITCHEN OF 221 BAKER STREET

 

_Dame Hudson is busy tidying up. The maid enters._

DAME HUDSON: Ah, Bessie. Have you finished the jobs I gave you for the sitting room?

BESSIE: Yes, ma’am. I polished the long sideboard, I wiped down the paintwork, and I put out the fire.

DAME HUDSON: _(bemused)_ Don’t you mean you _lit_ the fire?

BESSIE: No, ma’am. _(hesitates)_ I think Master Holmes left one of his experiments smouldering overnight.

DAME HUDSON: I see. Thank you, Bessie.

_Bessie curtseys and leaves. Holmes and Watson enter._

HOLMES: Good morning, mother!

WATSON: Good morning, mother! Is our breakfast ready?

DAME HUDSON: _(coolly)_ It is after mid-day. There is cold porridge if you want it.

_Holmes and Watson sit at the kitchen table and start eating._

DAME HUDSON: I am glad to see you are _finally_ up. There is something I need to discuss with you both.

_She picks up a piece of paper._

DAME HUDSON: Before your poor, dear father left us, he made his will. And these were his final bequests.

_Holmes and Watson put down their spoons and Dame Hudson begins to read._

DAME HUDSON: “To my dear wife, I leave 221 Baker Street and all its furnishings…”

_Holmes and Watson nod solemnly in agreement with this._

DAME HUDSON: “To my favourite son Holmes, I leave my pipe, my magnifying glass and my edition of _Observation and Deduction for Beginners_.”

_Again Holmes nods solemnly. Watson looks a bit put out._

DAME HUDSON: “And to my other son Watson, I leave all that I have left…”

_Watson looks hopeful._

DAME HUDSON: “...my ferret.”

_Watson’s face drops, and Lestrade comes on in a ferret skin._

LESTRADE: I’m not entirely happy about this.

DAME HUDSON: “He is a _talking_ ferret. So, you know. That might come in handy.”

_Holmes beams and nods at Watson. Watson stares back at him steadily. Holmes gives him a weak smile and turns his attention back to Dame Hudson._

DAME HUDSON: “And now I can go to my eternal rest knowing my family is well taken care of and will be happy together for ever after.”

_Dame Hudson sets the will aside._

DAME HUDSON: Right then—get out. I’m renting out your rooms.

WATSON: Mother!

HOLMES: I really don’t think—

DAME HUDSON: No, I do not wish to hear another word. I’m tired of having to support you both. It’s high time you went out into the world to make your fortunes.

HOLMES: _(standing with resolution)_ Yes. You’re right, of course. I shall take my inheritance and go and become a consulting detective. The only one in the world!

DAME HUDSON: That’s lovely, dear. I’m very pleased for you.

_She begins pushing him towards the door._

WATSON: But what about me? What am I supposed to do with this bloody ferret?

_Lestrade looks deeply hurt._

DAME HUDSON: I’m sure you’ll think of something.

_She ushers Holmes, Watson and Lestrade out of the room._

 

 

WATSON’S BEDROOM

 

WATSON: What are we going to do, Ferret? Holmes will surely go on to fame and fortune but I have no way of making money.

LESTRADE: _(sighs)_ You are giving up far too easily. You are intelligent. Strong. Handsome. Really very, _very_ handsome…

_Watson raises his eyebrows. Lestrade pulls himself together and looks about the room._

LESTRADE: I wonder, have you a pair of hobnailed boots such as a policeman might wear? And a set of handcuffs?

WATSON: _(warily)_ Why..?

LESTRADE: Because with them I shall go out and start making your fortune!

_He waves a paw at Watson._

LESTRADE: You stay here and have a bit of a mope. I won’t be long.

 

 

AT THE POLICE STATION

 

_Lestrade enters, dragging a man in handcuffs._

MAN: But..! But..!

LESTRADE: Quiet you!

_He drags the man over to the Commissioner who is reading at his desk._

LESTRADE: Good afternoon, Commissioner!

_The Commissioner looks up, and starts somewhat._

COMMISSIONER: Good afternoon… _(hesitantly)_ Ferret..?

_Lestrade nods. The Commissioner shrugs and decides to go with it._

COMMISSIONER: And what may I do for you?

_Lestrade quickly scans the posters on the wall behind the Commissioner’s head. He picks one and nods to himself in satisfaction. Then he proudly pushes the handcuffed man forward, and gestures to the poster._

LESTRADE: I have caught the mastermind behind that recent bank robbery!

MAN: _(looking panicky)_ I’m not a mastermind! I just saw this sweet little ferret and stopped to pat him on the head—

LESTRADE: Quiet, villain!

MAN: ...and the next minute he’s got the handcuffs on and—

_(Lestrade puts his paw over the unfortunate man’s mouth.)_

MAN: —mmm mm mm _mm._

COMMISSIONER: _(looking pleased)_ Good heavens. We’ve been searching for this rascal for quite some time. Congratulations, Ferret. What will you have for your reward?

LESTRADE: _(looking solemn)_ I can in all honesty not take a reward. It was the the unofficial and utterly brilliant consulting detective Mark Quiss who gave me the necessary information to make the arrest.

COMMISSIONER: He sounds like a most impressive man!

LESTRADE: Oh, he is! He is! I am honoured to know him.

_Lestrade glances at what the Commissioner is reading._

LESTRADE: And if there were any other cases you needed assistance with, you would only have to ask him...

_Lestrade lets go of the handcuffed man’s mouth and starts dragging him to the cells._

MAN: But I’m _innocent!_

COMMISSIONER: _(tutting)_ Be a man and confess. Mark Quiss himself said that you are guilty!

_Lestrade grins to himself._

 

 

ON THE RIVERBANK

 

WATSON: But why are we here, Ferret?

LESTRADE: Because soon the Commissioner of Police will be passing in his carriage. And he will have with him the most gorgeous case you have ever seen.

WATSON: But what has that to do with me? I am not a detective.

LESTRADE: Just leave it all to me, and very soon you will have made your fortune.

_He pushes Watson into the river._

WATSON: Aaaaargh! _(sounds of splashing)_ When I get hold of you, Ferret, I am going to— _(more splashing)_ Dear God— _I think a trout is trying to climb into my vest…_

_Lestrade rolls his eyes. Just then the Commissioner comes past in his carriage._

LESTRADE: _(waving)_ Stop! Please stop! Mr. Quiss has fallen into the river!

COMMISSIONER: Great heavens! _(he calls up to the two policeman driving the carriage)_ Quickly! You must save him!

_The two policeman hurry over and pull Watson out._

WATSON: Thank you so much. That’s very kind. _(he starts removing his clothes)_ I am absolutely _soaked._

_Lestrade stares._

WATSON: I am going to catch a chill—I know I am.

_He removes his vest, and casually chucks the trout back into the river._

LESTRADE: _(in a trance, staring at Watson)_ Naked. Wet.

WATSON: _(frowning at him)_ Ferret?

LESTRADE: _(happily)_ Wet. Naked.

WATSON: Ferret!

LESTRADE: _(comes back to himself)_ Yes! Right!

_He turns to the Commissioner._

LESTRADE: I wonder, may I introduce to you the famous and genius consulting detective, Mark Quiss?

_Watson appears puzzled, looking about vaguely. Lestrade eventually catches his eye._

WATSON: Oh, I see! Yes! That’s me! Genius consulting detective!

_He starts wringing out his vest._

_Lestrade frowns, and addresses the Commissioner again._

LESTRADE: Some criminals tried to get rid of Mr. Quiss by pushing him into the river and now he has lost all of his detective accoutrements.

COMMISSIONER: Well, that is nothing to worry about! I always carry an emergency detective kit with me.

_He passes out a suitcase and Lestrade opens it. He takes out a fresh suit of clothes, a magnifying glass, and a notebook and pencil. He passes them to Watson, who goes behind a bush to get changed but is soon back._

COMMISSIONER: Oh, you look wonderful, sir! _(opens the door of his carriage)_ May I give you a lift somewhere? _(holds up a sheaf of papers)_ And as we go, perhaps you might like to look over this case..?

_Watson glances at Lestrade who gives him a discreet but firm nod._

WATSON: Thank you. I would be very happy to read the case.

_The Commissioner opens the carriage door and Watson climbs inside. The two policemen climb back up ready to drive the carriage._

COMMISSIONER: What about you, Ferret? You could sit with my men, if you like.

LESTRADE: Thank you, sir. However, I shall scamper under my own steam, if I may. I have one or tasks I must carry out.

_Watson is already reading through the case with fascination._

LESTRADE: So I will be going now, Mr. Quiss.

_Watson turns over another page._

LESTRADE: I’m... off then.

WATSON: You know this really is the loveliest case I have ever seen. _(sighs)_

LESTRADE: _I’ll see you later then!_

_Watson looks up briefly._

WATSON: Oh, yes, of course. Bye. _(goes back to his reading)_

COMMISSIONER: Drive on!

_The carriage leaves and Lestrade stares after it longingly for a moment. Then he scampers off down an alleyway in order to get ahead of the carriage._

 

 

IN THE DEPTHS OF THE CITY

 

_Lestrade scampers up to where one man is threatening another and demanding his money._

LESTRADE: I say, the Commissioner will soon be passing this way!

_The thief looks at him, and his victim takes the opportunity to disappear._

LESTRADE: When he stops to talk to you, you must tell him you have decided to give up crime because you are so afraid of the skills of consulting detective Mark Quiss.

THIEF: _(laughs)_ I’m not afraid of any consulting detective. I’m not afraid of anyone!

LESTRADE: Then you will not mind if I tell The Ogre you’ve been stealing on his territory.

THIEF: _(suddenly afraid)_ The Ogre..?

LESTRADE: He’s the major criminal around here, is he not? And I know he lives nearby.

THIEF: You’re bluffing. No-one knows where he lives—not even the police.

LESTRADE: Yes, well—I’ve been ferreting about...

_Lestrade starts to leave but the thief stops him._

THIEF: All right! All right! I will do as you say.

_The carriage comes into sight and Lestrade darts out of the way. The carriage stops next to the thief and the Commissioner looks out._

COMMISSIONER: Ah, Kemp. I hope you’re behaving yourself at the moment.

THIEF: Yes, sir! I’ve given up crime completely, sir! Turned over a new leaf. _(glances over to where Lestrade is hidden)_ And I’m going to make sure as many of my acquaintances as possible do the same. It’s this detective—Mark Quiss. We know it’s no good trying to get away with anything if he’s the one investigating!

_The thief dashes away._

_The Commissioner turns to Watson._

COMMISSIONER: Gracious, your reputation is unsurpassed.

WATSON: _(eyebrows raised)_ So it seems.

_The carriage drives on, and Lestrade darts out of his hiding place and off down another alleyway._

 

 

AT THE OGRE’S HOUSE

 

_The Ogre is sitting by the fire, warming his toes and gloating about all the evil things he's done._

_Lestrade appears in front of him._

OGRE: Bloody hell! Where did you come from?

LESTRADE: I sneaked in through the catflap. I wanted to see the famed Ogre for myself because I want to learn how to be a master criminal too!

_The Ogre laughs._

OGRE: You’re a brave little creature, I will say that for you.

LESTRADE: But not as brave as you! Do tell me about some of your exploits, Mr. Ogre.

OGRE: Well…

LESTRADE: Please!

OGRE: Oh, I suppose it would do no harm to tell a ferret! _(looks pleased with himself)_ I was the one who robbed the Capital and Counties Bank and got away with all those thousands! And I didn’t leave a scrap of evidence—no-one will ever be able to connect the crime with me.

LESTRADE: How marvellous! But that is such a huge crime. I could never hope to do something as wonderful. Do you not have a smaller crime you could tell me about?

OGRE: Here is something you could try, Ferret. _(indicates a pile of books)_ These library books are over eighteen months overdue. _(smiles a cruel smile)_ And I have absolutely _no_ intention of returning them.

LESTRADE: Now that is a nice straightforward crime. With clear evidence too…

_Lestrade whips out his handcuffs and secures The Ogre’s hands._

LESTRADE: You’re nicked.

 

 

OUTSIDE THE OGRE’S HOUSE

 

_The Commissioner’s carriage arrives and Lestrade is waiting there to greet it._

LESTRADE: Welcome to Mr. Quiss’ house!

_The Commissioner and Watson alight._

COMMISSIONER: _(lost in admiration)_ This is yours, Quiss?

_Watson smiles weakly and makes a vague gesture._

LESTRADE: Mr. Quiss has been terribly successful at his chosen career. _(points towards the front door)_ Which reminds me, you will find The Ogre handcuffed inside. Mr. Quiss caught him earlier.

COMMISSIONER: But this is amazing!

_He signals to the two policemen and they get down from the carriage and head off into the house._

COMMISSIONER: _(to Watson)_ We had given up all hope of capturing him!

_The two policemen come back with the struggling Ogre, and haul him up to sit between them at the front of the coach. The Commissioner watches and beams, and turns back to Watson._

COMMISSIONER: _(gestures at the papers Watson is holding)_ My dear sir, you are a marvel. I would be truly honoured if you would take on my case.

_He gets back into the carriage._

COMMISSIONER: You are even better than that chap Holmes!

_And the carriage drives away._

LESTRADE: _(addressing Watson)_ There you are then. You have The Ogre’s lovely house to live in, you have the admiration of the Commissioner and you have an exciting case to solve, which will start bringing in the private clients!

WATSON: This is all very true, Ferret and I’m very grateful. The problem is… _(sighs)_ ...I still don’t know how to solve crimes!

LESTRADE: Ah. You know, I didn’t really think this one through…

_Suddenly Holmes comes panting up._

HOLMES: Was that the Commissioner’s carriage leaving? Drat! I’ve just missed him.

_He does a doubletake and stares at Watson and Lestrade._

HOLMES: What are you two doing here?

WATSON: Well, it’s a bit of a long story...

_But Holmes is distracted. He stares after the carriage._

HOLMES: It’s terribly annoying. I wanted to tell the Commissioner that everything pointed to The Ogre being the one who’d robbed the The Capital and Counties Bank.

_Holmes turns his attention back to Watson._

HOLMES: Do you know, some idiot handed in a completely innocent man to the police.

WATSON: That’s awful!

LESTRADE: _(avoiding eye contact)_ Gosh, yes. Awful…

WATSON: But do not worry, Holmes. My brave ferret found The Ogre here in his house, and arranged for him to be taken into custody.

HOLMES: Gracious! Truly?

WATSON: _(nodding)_ Your case is complete.

_Holmes contemplates the house._

HOLMES: So this is empty now?

WATSON: Yes indeed—the ferret and I were thinking of taking up residence.

HOLMES: It is a rather large house—I wonder… would you consider allowing me to share the place with you?

WATSON: Naturally you can! _(sighs)_ I doubt I would be able to afford its upkeep on my own anyway. I still haven’t worked out how I can make a living—there’s just nothing I can do.

HOLMES: Nonsense, brother! You have many admirable qualities. In fact, why don’t you come into business with me? I need a good man like you—someone I can discuss ideas with and who can handle himself in a fight.

_Watson beams._

WATSON: That sounds like an excellent plan. Thank you, Holmes! _(passes over the papers)_ And as my first contribution to the business, here’s a case for you.

HOLMES: _(looking through papers)_ Good heavens. This really is a most marvellous case…

WATSON: It is, isn’t it?

HOLMES: _(staring down adoringly)_ I would go so far as to say that I _love_ this case. _(looks up at Watson and indicates offstage)_ You don’t mind if..?

WATSON: Yes, I quite understand. You want to become properly acquainted.

_Holmes exits, smiling happily at the papers._

_Watson sighs._

LESTRADE: Are you all right?

WATSON: I am, Ferret. It’s simply… I realise the two of them belong together but I can’t help wishing things had been a little different. It was a truly beautiful case.

_Watson looks wistful._

LESTRADE: You know… you do still have me. _(impulsively)_ Kiss me!

WATSON: _(turns to Lestrade)_ Kiss you?

LESTRADE: Yes, I… might be a prince under an enchantment or something.

_Watson looks doubtful but kisses him._

_Nothing happens._

LESTRADE: No, looks like I’m a ferret.

WATSON: _(smiles)_ Never mind. I do quite like you just as you are. _(looks worried)_ Not sure what my mother is going to say about this though...

DAME HUDSON: _(from offstage)_ Don’t care! Just glad you’re moving out!

 

  _And they all lived happily ever after._

_Happy WAdvent!_


End file.
